Okay, though post. I’ve wanted to write it for awhile, but the timing just didn’t feel right. As I was driving to get donuts this morning, Hillsong’s Cornerstone came on the radio. Ya’ll, I had to sit in Schnucks parking lot and pull myself together before I could go in the store. I’m so overwhelmed right now. I decided I had to sit down before the kids got up and get it all out. It still doesn’t feel 100% right, but maybe that’s just the nature of the post. It’s hard for me. Really hard! Sooooo……Bare with me. Deep breath, here it goes….
11 Years Ago (a little history)
11 years ago, when Morgan was born in January, I took the rest of the school year off from teaching kindergarten and never went back. My mom watched Andrew for his first 18 months so I could continue teaching (and saving my income), but after 2 babies, it was time to be Mom! Basically that was my life goal….get married, have kids, be mom…Mission accomplished. And Julianne followed not long after that.
Photography
Knowing that, as they entered school, it was highly suggest/encouraged that I would be going back to work, I started a photography business. It worked well, my photography became the fun/frivolous money and bought me some time before I “had” to go back to the workforce. Honestly, in that short time, I had seen changes taking place in education and wasn’t sure I was even willing to go back to full time teaching. It just wasn’t/isn’t what I went to school for anymore.
Divorce
Oh, that was not on the life plan……it happened….accept it….move on (kinda, you never really move on when there are kids involved). BUT, that life event changed some things financially. Julianne wasn’t kindergarten age yet and I felt another change of me going to work full time would be an extra adjustment not just on her, but all three kids. Thank goodness for that photography business that quickly became a necessity and not just the fun extras. The wonderful thing was that I was able to work and be home for my kids! Mom and dad were close if I needed a babysitter so I could meet with clients. I also picked up some substitute teaching as it was convenient for schedules. I was making ends meet and being a full time mom (even if there were hints demands that I needed to find a “real job”)
Marriage, Stepkids, and a Baby
What?!?! Overnight, I gained 3 big kids and then a baby!!! I had this picture in my head of it all just meshing. Smooth sailing. HA!!!!!! Blended families are HARD!! REAL HARD!!! I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my all my kids equally. The added challenges just teach me hard lessons and help me grow as a mom and appreciate all of aspects of motherhood.
Back to the point. The added income of a husband took some of the financial burden of “single” mom off of me. *sidenote: I hate the phrase “single mom”. That suggests that there isn’t a dad helping to support. Single defines the relationship. To me a “single mom” is one that does it all alone (no father)….that applies to some…not me* So, while the burden of supporting myself and my kids was lessened through marriage, we gained 4 kids in the process…..That photography business became a combination of “extras” for all the kiddos and a little fun money.
The Move
You all know the story of our move. If you don’t you can find Part 1 here and Part 2 here. Has it been easy? No! We knew we weren’t taking this job for money. We took this job because it was what God had led us to. It was what we felt we were called to do. I’m an analyzer. I like numbers. They are black and white. I knew at the time, I could barely make this work on paper. We knew we’d have to make some cuts in “fun”, but trusted that God would provide.
Fast forward……as kids get older, their activities get more expensive and it’s really hard to tell your babies no! We, as parents, want to give our kiddos the world. So, that photography business that was doing very well for me in our old area isn’t providing here. There’s a lot of guilt there. That “job” that allowed ME to provide the extras for our kids isn’t providing.
There have been a lot of teary nights. A lot of questioning life. A lot of questioning God (if I’m honest). Some anger. A million emotions. I’m struggling. If we tell our kids no dance, no ball, no extras, no fun, we can make it. If we tell them yes……I have to go to work……and put a child in daycare. That may be the hardest part for me. I was able to give my all to the others and the baby will grow up being raised by strangers. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes.
What Now
What now? To be honest with you, I don’t know. I want to be home. I don’t have a Missouri teaching license. What else am I even qualified for? I really don’t see realistically how me working outside the home would even work. Between Creg’s schedule, school schedules, activity schedules, a toddler….it would require hiring a nanny just to run kids to where they need to be plus care for Dax when the bigs are at school. Maybe spring/warmth will bring some opportunities for my photography business to start back up. Maybe I can make more of an actual income from the nail parties that Morgan and I do for fun, instead of just to fund our love of fun nails. There is potential to earn some money from the wellness store we shop at…..
Here’s what I know…..God has called us to this place and that we are where we are supposed to be. My calling is “mom”. “Mom” needs to provide for her children (all 7 of them). The how is the unknown. So, if your the praying type, pray for me/us. And if you want a photo session, fun nails, or want to hear more about the amazing wellness store we shop at…..LET ME KNOW!!! I’m off to cheer on Morgan in her softball tournament!
Teach online! I know it sounds nuts and I’m not talking about the crazy VIPKids thing you see all over Facebook (is it even real?!). Most states have legitimate schools online. I do it and it works sooo well. Yes I’m paid less than being at a school BUT I don’t pay for daycare and I’m home with my babies because I feel you mama. I have a few friends who live out of state but teach through the school in their home state where their license is. Check it out! I’m not paid to advertise this either I’m a real person haha. Big ones are k12 and connections. Good luck I pray you find something that works for your family. It’s so hard.